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04

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There was something in her lungs.

She always felt like that when her allergies started kicking up a fuss. Something in her lungs - right between her lungs and her throat, really - that just wouldn’t come out, no matter how many times she coughed, no matter how many times she cleared her throat. Stubborn and unyielding, it stayed there, taunting her, torturing her.

She had taken her medicine. Always, she had taken her medicine.

One day, her doctor had told her. One day, you won’t need this medicine anymore. You’ll be able to live your life without worrying about your allergies, about your lungs.

The older she got, the harder it was to believe that.

Every time she went to see her doctor, it was the same result. A clicking of her tongue - a dissatisfied tut - and the prescription of new medications.

She hated it. At times when her body caved, when it was one medical issue after another - one illness, followed by one injury, followed by another illness, and so on - those times, she didn’t just hate that she was sick. She hated her body.

Why couldn’t it function properly? Why couldn’t it just run, like it was meant to? What had she done wrong? What - what - what?!

If someone could just tell her, she could fix it. She could try. It was worth a try.

But sometimes it wasn’t about doing anything wrong. It just was what it was. And that hurt, too.

And so her life was a constant struggle to balance the two extremes. To accept. To be gentle. To be patient. To persevere. What else was there, really?

Perhaps, if she hadn’t let him convince her that there was more - that there could be much more - things would not have turned out the way they did.

As it was, she sat at her desk and stared at the black enveloping her fingers, crawling slowly but surely towards her palms. The start of an infection from which there was no relief.

She could hate herself for making this deal. She could hate her body for making her want it in the first place.

But, as always, she balanced.

It was what it was.

Accept. Persevere.

She would learn to live like this, too.

What else was there, really?

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