Pages From My Journal - 001: Burnout

 

Pages From My Journal - 001: Burnout

Somewhere along the way, I decided that what I'd really like to do - the job that would suit me perfectly - is to be an elementary school teacher. Or a high school teacher. Never a middle school teacher. But elementary school, high school - yeah. That's more my speed.

Of course, I'd always considered owning my own school and crafting my own K-12 curriculum. I've actually worked on the latter extensively over the past several years, but nevertheless, or perhaps as a natural consequence of my interest in curriculum development, being a teacher always attracted me.

And now, I'm there. I'm an elementary school teacher. Something I didn't think was possible, after two non-teaching degrees. I'm here, I'm a teacher, and I am both developing and teaching a hybrid ESL-ELA curriculum across all of my grade levels - of which there are six.

The fact that I'm able to do something so cool and very much aligned with what I've wanted to do for a long time now almost eclipses the fact that I'm lifting the weight of six grade levels on my own. Almost.

Lately, I've been really feeling that weight. My muscles are aching, shaking, and it's time I put everything down for a little while. Sharing the weight doesn't seem to be an option. Working through the weekends, working as soon as I get home, working through the holidays - it's just not something I can maintain. Nor should it be.

I know this because I've been here before. Not too long ago, I burned out. Hard. I was out of the game for about a year, if not two, and I never truly recovered. I am still paralyzed as a writer, stuck in some deep self-imposed coma, a hibernation of sorts that I can't seem to wake myself from. Sometimes, I can feel moments of wakefulness - a sentence here, a couplet there - but most of the time, the very thought of writing has me frozen.

So I know this feeling very well. I've lived it for a while now, and I don't know why I didn't expect it when I was rolling up my sleeves back in August. Six grade levels, starting for scratch. I should have seen it coming. But I didn't.

And now it's back. An old friend, a loan shark, here to collect.